Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.
This was the first meet prep I felt like an athlete again and not just working around my back. I was reminded about all the best (or too much of) parts of me. I had the time to drive this summer and train for the exact equipment and preparation I needed. I was detailed on my diet to get enough calories in to recover and I gave up track/alactic runs for six weeks. Those were sacrifices to me (eating, running). It also gave a pressure I missed and have yet to find since 2011, 2014/13 season competing (it wasn’t there all years before and after). Not that the previous two meets didn’t have their own etched significance, but they were both firsts. One being ever and one first since surgery. This demanded more than completion and surviving. I had numbers and goals that wouldn’t happen unless I showed up the day of the meet.
You’re not supposed to see everything with faith or know the outcome. That’s the difference maker in being someone who leaves no stone unturned and confident and someone who holds back. Faith is the voice allowing extra effort and investment without worrying over your vulnerability. It is a substance that’s demands more respect than to be praised only after as a guide when you know the answer and guarantees. Rewards require risks. Uncertainty hampers your optimism and changes your attitude. Ask anyone effort goes hand in hand with attitude. Risks means your voice of faith shut the doubts the fuck up
If you have the courage to admit that you’re a little scared, and have the ability to smile even as you feel dominated, the nerve to ask for help when you need it, and the wisdom to take it when it’s offered, then you have everything you need. You have faith. That combination challenged and led me into this day
Heatwave Hofstra University 7-14-2018
370 (35lb meet pr)
X 390 (depth boo)
230 (5lb meet pr)
X 240 (butt came up)
400 (35lb meet pr)
I wanted an 1000lb total. Which is exactly what happened. I could not have personally scripted it any better. I went into the meet confident my training had reflected a 400ish squat. That did not happen. I was of course very disappointed. The past training cycle has been all about improving my squat. It will always be my favorite lift. Bench I honestly have not pushed as hard as the other two due to all the focus and strength. I did not even expect to attempt 240. The rep was one as with my squat where when I finished I had to look up at the lights.
Deadlift was the lift of the day. I opened this passage with the word doubt and all of that was tied to the deadlift. Sometime during the prep, I had developed a self-defeating thought pattern around deadlifts. Fatigue masks performance, this I know and preach to everyone else, but when it came to my own deadlift I expected the fastest pull every time I trained. That is why pulling 400 a 35lb meet pr and tied lifetime best meant so much to me. I knew going into deadlift what I had to do. The big jumps were very far out of my comfort zone, but it was there that day.
I would label myself as very independent. Many of my athletic endeavors I’ve competed and been alone through the process. This time I felt as if I had a circle of people that cared and supported my success. As soon as it happened I ran to my coworker who has been there for me everyday at Army. I cried and hugged my “lifespotter”. Then I grabbed my brother and kept crying it meant so much that he was there watching and supporting. He has seen all the worst of my injuries and self-destructiveness. Coaches, coworkers, friends, and most importantly my brother was able to see me compete. I was able to briefly enjoy the outcome and grateful I had people who wanted me to share my personal experience with. I felt proud to make them proud and proving those that believe in you as right is so much sweeter than proving others wrong.
As excited and happy as I was to win and celebrate. I couldn’t shake the feeling of being onto the next one even the night of.
Momentary feeling of enough, followed by a deep hot surge of more….
I dug this out from an old school spiral notebook from 2013. I remembered what page after one of my best NPC figure show placings. The quote is originally from Tim Grover’s Relentless. This was not one of the viral lines and most people probably did not even read into it. But to me this is it. This is winning.
This is why we live how we live and train how we train. I am supposed to feel like it’s all worth it and an unsurmountable pinnacle to perform and know you were the best that day. I wish the feeling of enough could last long enough to enjoy. But it just doesn’t, the ratio of time we can breathe over the amount of labor that was put is so tiny. Winning is almost an afterthought of what I am supposed to do. When it happens I still think what’s next, how could I have been even better in the process and so on. I simply handled my business. The learning process never stops, but I would not have it any other way. We need those reminders of success. That even with it you are still going to want more. For me that’s the XPC Pro Arnold this spring. May do something in between, but that depends on work and if that would jeopardize peaking in March. Having success is almost a reminder that the world keeps turning, you still go to work on Monday, and how brief it lasts. Every next surge for more it is easier to give more because the doubt you have already passed over doubting your faith.