To Tame Takes More Than To Train

The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.-Henry Thoreau 

Recovery from anything is the most badass thing anyone can do. So badass you do not just do it once. It’s not one decision, maybe you have a few key epiphany moments. But your going to be triggered to go backward and it’s the continuous action you decide every day to move ahead. 
This is about my surgery. Right, yes it is the physical limitations. If only the I can or I cannot do was the manifested thoughts right now. A peak inside anyone struggling with injuries mind would be a dark world of chaos. 
How to murder your life? The death sentence is destructive obsession. This cannot start without ambition to do more. Praised and praised for the healthy/successful mores. It’s inspiring they say really, the discipline, focus, commitment to take you over the top. But addiction is what’s pushing you up. Masked by ambition. Excessive exercise is a form of behavioral addiction-the failure to resist an impulse, drive, or temptation to the point of harm. Harm is the repetitive engagement that interferes with interaction in other domains. Wait is not that sacrifice? So many blurs from the outside looking in. But what you feel is dependance to where it’s not even about a goal anymore it’s about feeding the beast. 

The beast that lives inside that won’t let you skip a day or cut a corner. You know the science and advise others a day off is what you need to progress. Another mode or time to fulfill the needs won’t set you back, but you just can’t bring yourself to. 

the beast will know, it always knows. It’s staring back at you in the mirror and just as you think you can look away your convinced of the compulsion being the only way. You can’t resist so there you are before 3am lacing up those asics, lightheaded stranded but you can’t take a bite of what’s in front of you. You have to get it in at any cost. The beast won’t permit you to let go- every minute and rep you’ll get in at any cost. Your hurt, exhausted, lying to others, hiding or sneaking around the efforts and extremes, because you know it’s irrational and no one will understand your justifications. You don’t even know why you have to but you do. The beast has control over you. If it was primary dependence it would just be about the feeling, but those secondary control mechanisms allow you to manipulate your body. 

It’s not the results driving you anymore it’s the fear if you for once just don’t. There’s this restless weight to what would happen if you didn’t, so you do. A good day was even more than what was expected. He’s still not quenched the beast wants more and the exercise then is enhanced with his demands for what can and can’t go in your mouth. Keep #hash tagging that beast mode but one with a real beast senses other haunted individuals. They never have to proclaim the burden. If anything it’s shame knowing you can’t back off or live out the knowledge you give. It’s the ultimate state of hypocritsy. Biofeedback is just too logical for you and you drift further away every time you push through to supply another meal for that animal. 

There’s only so much you can do and so much you can’t. Professional coaches helping you progress can’t even be trusted because they don’t know the beast. The beast will reject there advice and make you believe you are the exception that fails. He convinces you that you must abide his ways  and your immune to the physiology others before you have validated time and time again. So you keep listening and being guided by an animal within. 

Mines strong I’ve fed it years and years and he’s still there. Discipline is not listening to the animal it’s putting healing above what I’m driven to hunt. That catch is never fulfilling enough to where bigger and bigger game is needed. This requires more and more of me and taking my attention from the real satisfying accomplishments. 

How did laser focus get so off track to where it’s harm. I’m trying every day, that’s a lie moment to moment I’m making decisions to heal. And then refusing to connect the dots of these moments. Feeling pain is simply connecting the dots an instant you can always get through it’s when you create a relationship with the moments on either side of the pain. Acknowledge fractions of a second I want a real shot to reach where I feel my natural gifts lie. but the holds on what I used to could do will keep me from the level of strength I want. Temporary highs don’t compare to longevity with one accomplished goal. 

This is an excerpt from one of my favorite books Born to Run by Christopher Mcdougal. 

“Lisa Smith-Batchen, the amazingly sunny and pixie-tailed ultrarunner from Idaho who trained through blizzards to win a six-day race in the Sahara, talks about exhaustion as if it’s a playful pet. ‘I love the Beast,’ she says. ‘I actually look forward to the Beast showing up, because every time he does, I handle him better. I get him more under control.’ Once the Beast arrives, Lisa knows what she has to deal with and can get down to work. And isn’t that the reason she’s running through the desert in the first place-to put her training to work? To have a friendly little tussle with the Beast and show it who’s boss? You can’t hate the Beast and expect to beat it; the only way to truly conquer something, as every great philosopher and geneticist will tell you , is to love it.”
I thought this quote justified my keeping of the beast an instant connection when I read it- years ago now. But this love Is never enough it’s changing yourself and begging for attention from an abusing tussle for approval. There is no winning. Maybe you really do love it, but if you did it wouldn’t require you to conquer it. Love is growth, you bring it to light not hide it in darkness. Any love that’s hidden or masked is founded in insecurities. 

You go through life at the right sequence for you to grow I believe this..Others have put me through situations so I can handle walking away from all the unhealthy within myself. There’s only so much you can hide when you are choosing someone else over yourself. The world sees the shell you become, but when your personal decisions are coming from no one but you it’s easier or you fight harder to hide the discontent. 

When does it stop? The life you keep exchanging. All your capabilities have been shielded down. Every step in Discipline to heal is bringing you past where you were. This is so badass and it’s genuine you know it. I still hear him tugging but this time he’s the one anxious and losing control. He’s being put to work all the tricks and manipulation tactics are coming out, but my training is making me stronger. I have worth on my own, because I’m finally on the right path. As hard as the past was it is allowed me to deal with the present. Freedom when you heal is not about the area you can run or control of your destination, power you demand, or unattached energy you give off. 

Healing is honoring your soul without letting anything else welcome in it and being attached to exchange life only for what you know you love. A physical injury of forcing me to settle my chaos because I am meant for more load.

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